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Revise and Edit: Dev's Skateboard Story

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Revise and Edit: Dev's Skateboard Story

Use notes from a writing partner and a teacher to make a draft stronger.

Read the draft and the notes

Dev is writing a true story about learning to ride a skateboard. He shared his first draft with his writing partner, Hana, and his teacher, Mr. Abernathy. Read Dev's draft and the notes they gave him.

My Skateboard Story (first draft)

1This story is about the day I learned to ride a skateboard. It happened last summer at Cedar Park, near my apartment. I had wanted to learn ever since I saw some older kids rolling past my building. My aunt Rosa came with me because she skated all the time when she was a kid. She even brought her old skateboard, which had stickers all over the bottom. We got there right after lunch on a sunny Saturday.

2First we put on our gear. I wore a helmet, knee pads, and elbow pads. Aunt Rosa checked that my helmet strap was snug under my chin. Then she showed me how to stand with one foot near the front of the board and the other foot near the back. She told me to bend my knees a little so I would keep my balance. I was scared. The path in front of me looked very long.

3Then I tried to push off with my back foot. The board shot forward without me, and I landed on my bottom in the grass. My face felt hot becuase some kids on a bench were watching. Aunt Rosa laughed, but not in a mean way. She said everybody falls at first. I got back on the board right away.

4I practiced for the rest of the afternoon. It was hard. At first Aunt Rosa held my hand, and later she just walked beside me. Sometimes I rolled a few feet and then had to jump off. At last, I rolled all the way to the big oak tree at the end of the path without stepping off. Aunt Rosa clapped and cheered so loudly that a dog started barking.

5Now I can ride my skateboard by myself, and I take it to the park almost every weekend. That was a fun day. The end.

Notes from Dev's Writing Conference

Hana: Your first sentence only tells the topic. Try starting with an exciting action or a sound that pulls the reader right into the park.

Hana: In paragraphs 2 and 4, short sentences like "I was scared" and "It was hard" tell the reader instead of showing. Can you use details to show what it was like instead?

Mr. Abernathy: Your ending just says "The end." Try ending with what you learned or how you felt as the day ended.

Mr. Abernathy: Here is a new approach to try. Start your story at the moment you fall, and then go back and explain how the day began.

Mr. Abernathy: Before you write your final copy, check your spelling. There is one misspelled word in paragraph 3.

Revise the draft

Use Dev's draft and the notes to answer questions 1 to 5.

1.
Which new first sentence follows Hana's note about the beginning?
Question 1 options
2.
Revising changes the ideas, details, or order of a piece of writing. Editing fixes spelling, capital letters, and punctuation. Sort each change that Dev could make.
3.
Hana says that "I was scared" in paragraph 2 tells a feeling instead of showing it. Which sentence best shows that Dev was scared?
Question 3 options
4.
Which new ending follows Mr. Abernathy's note about the ending?
Question 4 options
5.
Dev wants to try Mr. Abernathy's new approach. Which paragraph of his draft should he move to the very beginning of the story?
Question 5 options

Edit and rewrite

Answer questions 6 to 8. Then rewrite parts of Dev's draft in questions 9 and 10.

6.
Mr. Abernathy found one misspelled word in paragraph 3. Underline the sentence that has the misspelled word.

7.
Write the misspelled word from the sentence you underlined in question 6, spelled correctly.

Correct spelling:

8.
Dev decides to turn this sentence from paragraph 3 into dialogue: "She said everybody falls at first." Which revision is punctuated correctly?
Question 8 options
9.
Follow Hana's second note. Rewrite the sentence "It was hard." from paragraph 4 so that it shows how hard practicing was.
10.
Which note from the writing conference do you think would help Dev's story the most? Name the note, explain why it would help, and write one revised sentence that follows it.